How Does Deflection - A Toxic Coping Mechanism Work?

Deflection is when someone pushes away their feelings by making others feel bad instead.

Imagine you're playing with your favorite toy, and it breaks. You’re sad because you really liked that toy. But instead of saying, “I’m sad my toy broke,” you say, “You made it break!” Now you’re not the one who’s upset, you’re making someone else feel bad. That's deflection.

When someone uses deflection, they're like a kid who trips over a rock but points at another kid and says, “You tripped me!” They don’t want to talk about their own feelings, so they shift the blame to someone else. It's like having a big umbrella, you cover your feelings with it, and others get wet instead.

Sometimes people use deflection because they're not sure how to handle their feelings. It’s easier to make someone else feel bad than to talk about what you’re really feeling inside. It's kind of like when you don’t know how to say “I’m tired,” so you just yell, “You’re loud!”, and suddenly everyone is arguing instead of resting.